Johnny Gomez: "Good evening, fight fans, and welcome to SEWIFFL Deathmatch—the most outrageous, bone-crunching, fantasy-fueled spectacle you’ve ever seen! Tonight, it all comes down to one epic clash as the top two teams in the league square off in the Superb Owl Championship to decide who takes home the crown!"

Nick Diamond: "That’s right, Johnny! It’s Joe Buck Yourself, the perennial contender with a chip on their shoulder, taking on The Trash Pandas, the reigning dynasty of destruction! We’ve got star players, high stakes, and enough fantasy football carnage to make Santa’s naughty list look tame!"

Johnny Gomez: "With fantasy icons Joe Burrow and Jalen Hurts leading the charge, this one’s gonna be a battle for the ages! So grab your popcorn, hold onto your waiver wires, and get ready for a championship fight like no other—because this… is SEWIFFL Deathmatch!"

Nick Diamond: "Let’s get ready to tally some touchdowns! And now, to kick off the action, we throw it to the one and only Bruce Buffer for the official introductions!" 

"Ladies and gentlemen… LLLET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE! Fighting out of the red corner, with a dominant regular season record of 22 wins and 6 losses, the league’s scoring champion, and a two-time Superb Owl runner-up seeking redemption! Led by the cool and calculated Joe Burrow, the explosive Ja’Marr Chase, and the unstoppable AJ Brown, this team has dominated all challengers on their way to the top. The undisputed number one seed… JOOOOE BUUUUUUUUCK YOURSELF!" 

"And now, in the blue corner, with a season record of 19 wins and 9 losses, the second seed, and the most decorated team in league history with THREE Superb Owl titles! Headlined by the electrifying Jalen Hurts, the bruising power of Bijan Robinson, and the relentless Derrick Henry, this team is no stranger to the championship spotlight. Returning to reclaim their crown, the dynasty of dynasties… THE TRASH PAAAAAAAANDAS!"
"The referee for this bout, overseeing all the action, is none other than Mills Lane from Celebrity Deathmatch! Let’s get it on!" 

"Alright, you two, listen up! I want a clean fight—no late lineup changes, no sneaky waiver wire pickups after the deadline, and absolutely no crying if your flex bombs! Remember, this is fantasy football, not a kindergarten dodgeball game. Now let’s get it on!" 

Johnny Gomez: "This one kicks off with the battle of the signal-callers, and folks, it’s like watching a chess match on fast-forward! Joe Burrow, the cool and calculated sniper, launches deep bombs to Ja’Marr Chase with pinpoint accuracy, taking an early lead. Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts bulldozes through defenders like a wrecking ball covered in Christmas lights, refusing to let Burrow have all the fun. A surprise attack sees Hurts leap over the pile at the goal line, leaving Burrow scrambling to counter with a perfectly timed flea-flicker to AJ Brown."
Nick Diamond: "Yeah, but did you see Burrow pull out a clipboard mid-game to diagram that play? Nerdy, but effective. Still, Hurts answers back with a stiff-arm that sends Burrow flying into the sideline like a rag doll. Round 1 goes to The Trash Pandas in a nail-biter, but Joe Buck Yourself is far from out of this fight."

Johnny Gomez: "Things get messy in Round 2 as the running backs enter the fray! Bijan Robinson and Kyren Williams run like they’re being chased by rabid holiday shoppers, picking up chunk yards for The Trash Pandas. Derrick Henry joins the chaos, stiff-arming defenders into the stands while Jalen Hurts plays fullback, clearing paths like a snowplow."

Nick Diamond: "Not to be outdone, Chase Brown channels his inner Energizer Bunny, bouncing off tackles, while De’Von Achane streaks down the sideline like a turbo-charged reindeer. Joe Buck Yourself fights back with a trick play, but Henry clotheslines Brown mid-run, causing a fumble that Bijan scoops up for a touchdown!"

Johnny Gomez: "A dominant showing by The Trash Pandas, but Joe Buck Yourself is keeping it close. Round 2 to the Pandas, but you can feel the momentum shifting." 

Johnny Gomez: "Here we go, folks—the final round, and it’s all about the wide receivers! Ja’Marr Chase and AJ Brown tag-team like a pair of acrobatic wrestlers, flipping over defenders and snagging impossible catches in double coverage. Calvin Ridley and Adam Thielen pitch in with surgical precision, racking up points and pulling Joe Buck Yourself back into contention."

Nick Diamond: "But The Trash Pandas counter with DeVonta Smith and Jaxon Smith-Njigba pulling off insane mid-air grabs, looking like Cirque du Soleil performers. TJ Hockenson joins the aerial assault, plowing through defenders with stiff arms so aggressive they make Derrick Henry look polite!"

Johnny Gomez: "With seconds left, Burrow tosses a last-gasp Hail Mary to Chase, but—WHAM!—Jalen Hurts intercepts it and laterals to Bijan Robinson, who powers his way to the end zone. That seals it! The Trash Pandas take Superb Owl X in an instant classic!" 

Nick Diamond: "And there you have it, folks! The Trash Pandas cement their dynasty with a fourth championship, while Joe Buck Yourself is left muttering, ‘Not again!’ It’s Christmas carnage at its finest!"

Johnny Gomez: "That’s all for tonight, folks. Until next time, good fight, good night!" 

Joe Buck Yourself
"Ho ho ho! Joe Buck Yourself has been as reliable as a fresh plate of cookies this season, leading the league in scoring and showing true holiday spirit by competing at the highest level—Santa appreciates the effort, even if you fell short of the crown last year!"

The Trash Pandas
"With a history of championships and a team full of fighters, The Trash Pandas always find a way to spread joy—and touchdowns! Santa admires their grit and heart, keeping the spirit of competition alive every season."

Adam Driver’s Adlib
"Ho ho, Tua and the gang have brought excitement and creativity to the league, much like Santa’s elves in the workshop. This team’s effort and big-play ability make them a delight on Santa’s Nice List!"

The Bearded Clams
"Jeff’s team has worked as hard as Santa’s reindeer, pulling together big wins with Allen, Jacobs, and Kamara leading the sleigh. Consistency and determination earn them a spot on the Nice List!"

Bart Was The Best
"Santa sees your effort, and your resilience hasn’t gone unnoticed, ho ho ho! With Jefferson and McLaurin anchoring your lineup, you’ve been a model of holiday perseverance all season long."

Pack Attack
"While not the flashiest team, you’ve worked quietly and efficiently, much like Santa himself on Christmas Eve. Lamar and Amon-Ra have kept the dream alive, earning your spot on the Nice List!"

Rated Eks
"Santa has seen some creative moments, but leaving success up to Sam Darnold? That’s as risky as leaving out skim milk and broccoli for Santa—straight to the Naughty List!"

Pinche Bendejo
"Ho ho no! Tyreek Hill has been electric, but inconsistent roster moves and too many missed opportunities land you on the Naughty List—though there’s hope for a brighter next year!"

Powderhoundmals
"With a 4-24 record, Santa’s elves have been scratching their heads, wondering what went wrong. Santa had to double-check, but yes, this is coal-worthy."

Dak Picks
"While Tua and Derrick Henry showed flashes of brilliance, Santa knows a season full of questionable flex choices when he sees one. Naughty List it is—but there’s always next season to improve!"

Frank’s Spank Bank
"With a name like that, Santa didn’t need much deliberation—straight to the Naughty List! Even with some fun moments from Cooper Kupp, this team left a little too much to be desired."