As the league’s clear leader with a record of 20-6 and a 100% playoff spot secured, Joe Buck Yourself got the ultimate Secret Santa gift: a premium executive desk chair. It’s sleek, supportive, and designed for someone sitting comfortably at the top. With Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase delivering weekly excellence, this team is practically lounging as they watch the competition scramble for playoff spots. The chair symbolizes their dominance—always a step ahead and well-positioned for the championship. While the rest of the league is fighting tooth and nail, Joe Buck Yourself is kicking back, confident in their 38% title odds. A gift well-suited for the one in charge. 

At 17-9 with >99% playoff odds, Trash Pandas received a gift that matches their focused, unrelenting playstyle: a pair of noise-canceling headphones. Jalen Hurts and Bijan Robinson have been blocking out distractions all season, methodically leading their team to dominance. Like these headphones, this team drowns out the noise of the competition and tunes in to what matters: winning. Their 22% championship chance isn’t just a number; it’s proof that they’re dialed in for the playoffs. A perfect gift for a team that thrives in the zone. 

Sitting at 17-9 and with a >99% chance of making the playoffs, The Bearded Clams got a gift that perfectly reflects their subtle yet effective presence: a high-end candle set. Josh Allen provides the flame, burning bright and intense, while Josh Jacobs adds the steady warmth that carries the team week after week. Like candles, they might not grab attention at first, but by the end of the evening, everyone appreciates their steady contribution. With an 11% championship chance, this team is ready to light up the playoffs in their own unique way. A sophisticated gift for a team with understated strength. 

At 17-9 and with a 93% playoff chance, Cotch11 unwrapped a box of gourmet chocolates, each piece representing the versatility and unpredictability of their season. Patrick Mahomes is the rich, decadent center—always delivering something special—while Saquon Barkley provides the bold flavors you didn’t see coming. You never quite know what you’re going to get with this team, but it’s almost always satisfying. With an 11% championship chance, they’re the kind of team that sneaks up on you and leaves a lasting impression. A thoughtful and rewarding gift for a team that’s been a treat all season. 

Bart Was The Best, at 16-10 and with an 84% playoff chance, got a practical gift: a sleek desk organizer to tidy up their act. Justin Jefferson has been the steady force, but injuries and inconsistencies have left the rest of the team a bit disorganized. Like a messy desk, their potential has been held back by little things that haven’t quite clicked. With a 7% championship chance, this team needs every edge to make a playoff run, and this gift is a subtle reminder to pull it all together. A useful and motivating gift for a team on the brink of something great. 

At 16-10 with a 64% playoff chance, Pack Attack received a reliable but not exactly thrilling gift: a mid-tier Bluetooth speaker. Lamar Jackson and Amon-Ra St. Brown provide the clear highs and deep bass, but the rest of the team hasn’t quite delivered the volume needed to dominate. Like the speaker, they’re functional and dependable but not flashy enough to steal the show. With just a 5% championship chance, they’ll need to turn up the volume to make real noise in the playoffs. A gift that fits their solid but unspectacular season. 

At 16-10 and clinging to a 60% playoff chance, Adam Driver’s Adlib opened their gift only to discover a gift card with no balance—a perfect metaphor for their up-and-down season. Breece Hall and CeeDee Lamb provide star power, but inconsistency across the lineup has left them struggling to deliver on their potential. The 4% championship odds reflect their fight for relevance, as they teeter on the edge of the playoff picture. This gift is a frustrating reminder that they’ll need to dig deeper to stay in contention. Sometimes, you’ve got to put in more effort than expected to make it count. 

At 9-17 with no playoff chances, Pinche Bendejo didn’t expect much, and they got a six-pack of beer—the kind of gift you bring when you don’t want to try too hard. Brock Purdy and Kenneth Walker III have had their moments, but overall, it’s been a season of hanging back and enjoying the ride. This team might not have wowed anyone, but they’re still here to keep the party going and make things fun for everyone else. A low-pressure gift for a low-stakes season. Sometimes, it’s about enjoying the moment and looking forward to next year. 

With an 8-18 record and no playoff hope, Rated Eks received a pair of socks—practical, a little boring, and not what anyone hopes for in a gift exchange. CJ Stroud has shown promise, but the rest of the lineup hasn’t been able to step up when it mattered. Like socks, they’ve been there week after week, but their impact has been minimal. This season might not have been flashy, but at least they’ve stayed consistent, showing up and trying their best. A fitting gift for a team that’s ready to take baby steps toward a brighter future. 

At 8-18, Frank’s Spank Bank unwrapped a gag gift: a toilet plunger, a perfect symbol for their messy, chaotic season. Kirk Cousins and Cooper Kupp have had their moments, but the rest of the team has struggled to clean up their act. Like the plunger, they’ve spent the year dealing with problems no one wants to touch, often coming up short when it mattered most. While they won’t be competing in the playoffs, they’ve made enough noise to disrupt others’ plans. A hilariously fitting gift for a team that’s been unpredictable and occasionally useful. 

At 8-18 and out of the playoff race, Dak Picks received a motivational calendar, complete with cheesy quotes to keep them inspired for next season. Tua Tagovailoa and Derrick Henry have carried the team through some rough weeks, but it hasn’t been enough to get them over the hump. This season has been more about lessons learned than wins earned. The calendar is a reminder that brighter days are ahead, and every week is an opportunity for a fresh start. A hopeful gift for a team that’s building toward a comeback. 

With a 4-22 record and no playoff hopes, Powderhoundmals showed up to the Secret Santa gift exchange with low expectations—and they got exactly that. Their gift? A generic office mug leftover from last year’s party, the kind that says “World’s Okayest Coworker.” Jordan Love and Zay Flowers have done their best to add some spark, but it’s been a rough year, and this gift mirrors their season: uninspired and forgotten in the chaos of more competitive teams. While everyone else tears into their fancy gifts, Powderhoundmals quietly sips coffee from their lackluster mug, vowing to come back stronger next year. Sometimes, the only way to go is up, and this team is already looking ahead to brighter days.