Trash Pandas: Defending champs, with Joe Burrow, Bijan, Kyren Williams, and Brock Bowers headlining. Deep RB corps (Etienne, Ekeler) gives them flexibility.

Bananas: CJ Stroud + Justin Fields is electric, Davante Adams still elite, and Travis Hunter’s debut is exciting — but RB depth is shaky (Achane/Mixon).
Prediction: Trash Pandas win a tight one. Burrow + deep RB rotation > Bananas’ inconsistent backfield.

Spitoon: CeeDee Lamb, Garrett Wilson, Sam LaPorta, and Jahmyr Gibbs form one of the most dangerous young cores in the league.

Thomas: Derrick Henry and Breece Hall give Thomas a thunder-and-lightning RB combo, and Drake Maye enters Year 2 with more stability — but he’s still a developing QB with questions about consistency.
Prediction: The Salty Spitoon edges it. Maye will be better than last year, but Gibbs + Lamb + LaPorta is a strong, reliable trio to kick off Week 1.

Bendejo: Jalen Hurts, Tyreek Hill, and Travis Kelce is one of the scariest fantasy trios possible. Add Malik Nabers’ debut, and the ceiling is massive.

Bart: Jayden Daniels is exciting but untested, WR corps (London, JSN, Worthy, Egbuka) is promising, but RBs are young and unproven.
Prediction: Pinche Bendejo wins big. Hurts + Tyreek + Kelce is just too much Week 1 firepower for Bart’s youth movement to match.

Big Nix: Patrick Mahomes + Justin Jefferson + Nico Collins is terrifying, though RBs (Montgomery, Judkins) aren’t elite.

Powderhoundmals: Herbert, Jonathan Taylor, Marvin Harrison Jr., Chris Olave, and Zay Flowers make for balance + explosiveness.
Prediction: Powderhoundmals in a nail-biter. Jefferson + Mahomes could steal it, but Powderhound’s WR depth and Taylor give them a slight edge.

Pack Attack: Lamar Jackson + Amon-Ra St. Brown + Trey McBride, with steady RB play from James Cook and Pacheco.

Cotch11: Baker Mayfield at QB is shaky, though AJ Brown + DK Metcalf is strong. RBs (Pollard, Chuba) could be inconsistent.
Prediction: Pack Attack. Lamar’s ceiling and Amon-Ra’s target share give them the edge in Week 1.

Clams: CMC, Jacobs, Kamara, Evans, Waddle, and Andrews — veteran firepower everywhere.

Joe Buck: Josh Allen + Ja’Marr Chase + Puka Nacua is electric, but RB depth (James Conner, Chase Brown) doesn’t match Clams’ balance.
Prediction: The Bearded Clams. The sheer volume of proven, reliable talent outweighs Joe Buck’s fireworks.

But since my month's subscription to OpenAI is already paid, I might as well use it. Please welcome our special guest for a season prediction. You might know him as Heisenberg, Walter White!

“This league is chaos. Injuries, trades, bye weeks — it chews men up and spits them out. And still, every September, twelve of you sit here thinking you’re destined for greatness. But destiny is a lie. There is no fate. There is only calculation. Only inevitability. Some of you drafted with emotion, some of you drafted with hope, and some of you drafted like children chasing shadows. You will be exposed. And when you are, you will remember this moment.

Because I am telling you now, there is one team that will not break. One roster built on precision, on firepower, on depth. A team that does not simply survive the grind, but thrives in it. And that team is the Trash Pandas. Burrow, Bijan, Kyren, Etienne — they are not names, they are weapons. Rome Odunze and Brock Bowers — not rookies, but the future, delivered early. And when the playoffs come, when others have crumbled under the weight of their own illusions, the Trash Pandas will be the last ones standing. Do not mistake this for a prediction. It is a fact. This league belongs to them, and the rest of you? You’re just here to watch.”

Everyone has paid up ahead of the season start. Thank you all for making that painless!

We've started out with the same Week 1 Bonus for as long as I can remember, The Fast Start Bonus. The team with the highest point total this week takes home 5 American dollars! I'm going to try and pay out as we go this year, just to save myself some headache in the winter.