Gents, I'm currently riding the high of the Milwaukee Brewers crushing the Cubs in Game 2 of the NLDS, so naturally I'm gonna start yapping about fantasy football. I don't know about you, but when the Packers are off it feels like the NFL football really doesn't matter that week. I watched, but didn't really take in the games Sunday. They were on, but I wasn't. Between baseball and the 80+ degree weather, it hasn't felt like football season. The baseball isn't going anywhere, but the weather is. So let's dust off our hoodies and get into the Week 6 write up.

League Leaders

Last week we were looking for the most receiving yards in the starting WR position. It ended up being a tight race between Bill and Randy. Randy had 196 yards from Sun God and Deebo, but Bill came through with 203 yards between Emeka Egbuka and Quentin Johnston. Congrats Bill on the victory! $5 coming your way! 

This week let's play a bonus that no one really wants to win: The "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" bonus. The team with the highest individual bench performance takes home the bonus. This will be only for FLEX eligible players, ie no QBs. In the unlikely event of a tie we'll go to the next highest bench performer of the tied teams. 

I've generally gone with a winning team for the SEWIFFL Player of the Week but this week is an exception. The Week 5 SEWIFFL Player of the Week goes to.....Pinche Bendejo RB Rico Dowdle. 23 carries for 206 yards and a TD. That was enough to steal a win against the median for Ben. Not the ideal result, but better than completely wasting that performance. 

(Cue the overly sensual saxophone intro, the kind that tries way too hard to sound smooth but just comes off desperate. The host clears his throat like he’s about to seduce an audience of three retirees in a Holiday Inn lounge.)

Lance Lovington:
“Good evening, lovers. You’re listening to Fantasy Advice with Lance Lovington — the show where passion meets reason, where hearts collide, and where yours truly helps you navigate the swirling seas of desire, devotion, and occasionally, disappointment. Tonight’s topic is connection — how to build it, how to keep it, and how to know when to… bench it.”
(He smiles smugly at his reflection in the studio window.)
“Let’s take our first call, shall we?”

Caller #1 (nervous, nasally):
“Hey Lance, big fan, love the show. Uh, are Chase Brown and Ja’Marr Chase still safe with how bad the Bengals have been?”

Lance:
“…Safe? In what sense? Emotionally? Financially? Spiritually?”
Caller: “No, no, like… safe starts.”
Lance: “Starts? Starts of what, a relationship? A new chapter? Are you saying they’ve been distant lately?”
Caller: “No, they’ve been inconsistent — Browning’s ruining their fantasy value!”
Lance (stiffens): “Sir, this is a program about love, not… whatever deviant spreadsheet-based competition you’re describing.”
(He slams the button to drop the call and mutters.)
“Starts. Safe starts. People need therapy.”

Caller #2 (confident, bro-y):
“Yeah, uh, Big Nix Energy’s in trouble, man. Omarion Hampton just hit IR — what’s the move?”
Lance: “The move? Well, if your partner is injured emotionally, you should never isolate them. Communication is key, my friend.”
Caller: “Nah dude, I mean, do we drop him or stash him?”
Lance (gritting teeth): “Drop him? Drop him?! What kind of monster just drops someone because they’re hurting?! You disgust me.”
Caller: “It’s fantasy football!”
Lance: “You’re right about one thing — it’s fantasy all right.” [click]

Caller #3 (rapid-fire, caffeinated):
“Yo, Powderhoundmals are 7–3 — are they legit contenders or are they frauds?”
Lance (deadpan): “Are who what?”
Caller: “Powderhoundmals! They’re dominating the league!”
Lance: “Is that… an energy drink? A cult? A dog breed?”
Caller: “A fantasy team!”
Lance (sighing): “My god. I’m drowning in idiots. Love is dead.” [click]

Caller #4 (soft-spoken):
“Hey Lance, could you issue an executive order to make Travis Hunter play offense only?”
Lance: “Executive… I’m not a government official, sir.”
Caller: “Yeah, but it’s killing Muddy Bananas’ season!”
Lance: “Muddy Bananas? What— what is happening to this country?”
(He leans into the mic, speaking slowly.)
“If your… banana is muddy, please see a physician immediately.” [click]

Caller #5 (angry):
“Hey, why do players keep dropping the ball before scoring? Like Demercado last week!”
Lance: “Because, my friend, sometimes people are afraid of truly crossing the goal line of love. They self-sabotage before commitment.”
Caller: “He just let go of the football too early!”
Lance: “We’ve all let go too early, sir.”

Caller #6:
“What’s your take on Rashee Rice? Think he’ll help Pack Attack before he gets suspended again?”
Lance: “If someone’s being suspended from your relationship, it’s because boundaries were ignored. You must hold your partner accountable.”
Caller: “It’s about fantasy points!”
Lance: “And clearly, you have none. Next caller.”

Caller #7:
“Bo Nix looks sharp lately — does Bo really know?”
Lance: “Know what, exactly? The secret to love? The art of connection?”
Caller: “Know how to play football!”
Lance: “I swear, if one more man calls this show to talk about balls…” [click]

Caller #8:
“Should all rookies have preferred first names like Jacory ‘Bill’ Croskey-Merritt?”
Lance: “Preferred names? Oh, you mean like a pet name! Yes, I do enjoy a good nickname in romance — ‘sweetheart,’ ‘darling,’ ‘muffin top’—”
Caller: “No, like Bill! It’s on his Sleeper profile!”
Lance: “What in the Freudian hell is a Sleeper profile?”

Caller #9:
“Why can’t Brian Thomas Jr. seem to get up… for big football games?”
Lance: “Ah, finally, a real relationship question! Performance issues are nothing to be ashamed of.”
Caller: “Uh… no, I mean he just disappears when it matters.”
Lance: “Of course he does! That’s anxiety! You must be supportive, not judgmental!”
Caller: “No dude, it’s fantasy football.”
Lance (exasperated): “Why is everyone so obsessed with this man’s… fantasy performance?!”

Caller #10:
“What’s the theoretical limit to how much of a team Christian McCaffrey can carry?”
Lance: “Sir, that depends on the emotional weight both partners bring to the relationship.”
Caller: “I’m talking about yardage!”
Lance: “I’m talking about self-worth!”

Caller #11:
“Would a Taylor Swift–Travis Kelce breakup lead to both a Super Bowl and a best-selling album?”
Lance: “Finally! Finally, someone talking about love and pain! Yes! Heartbreak fuels art, triumph follows tragedy—”
Caller: “So start Kelce this week?”
Lance: “…I hate it here.”

Caller #12:
“How many universes exist where Malik Washington gets four catches for zero yards?”
Lance: “As many as there are universes where people call me for love advice and instead ask about statistics!”
(He slams his coffee mug down, spilling everywhere.)

(After hanging up on his twelfth caller, Lance rubs his temples and sighs. The phone lines are still blinking like a Christmas tree on fire.)

Lance: “What is happening tonight? Why is everyone obsessed with quarterbacks and bananas?!”

(He fumbles for his stack of cue cards, reading one with growing horror.)

Lance: “Wait… this says the station’s new promo campaign… ‘Tune in to Fantasy Advice with Lance Lovington — the ultimate show for your lineup decisions.’”

(He freezes, eyes widening as it sinks in.)

Lance: “…LINEUP decisions?”

(He flips another card. It reads: “Sponsored by Draft Depot – where champions set their rosters.”)

Lance: “ROSTERS?! Oh, for the love of—”

(He slams the cards down, leans into the mic with the defeated tone of a man whose ego just popped like a cheap balloon.)

Lance: “So. It appears this entire program… is not about romance, but about fantasy football. You’ve all been calling about… players. Not partners.”

(He exhales dramatically.)

Lance: “Well. Fine. If you must know — start McCaffrey, sit your feelings, and bench whoever the hell ‘Bo Nix’ is.”

(The outro music starts too early, a warped saxophone solo fading under the sound of Lance’s muffled screaming. )

We do have early Sunday football again. Be sure to check those lineups the night before...and maybe an alarm for 8AM just to make sure you don't get caught out by a late inactive. Good luck this week, gents!