Week 9

I recently re-watched The Cabin in the Woods for the first time in a long time. A couple things...first off that movie holds up and is genuinely a fantastic, fresh take on comedic horror and second fantasy football is a lot like that movie. It can be scary and funny all at the same time. Grab your pillow case and your machete, its time for the Weekly Update.

Joe Buck Yourself(12-4) 138.02 - Powderhoundmals(11-5) 128.68

A huge match between the current #1 versus #2. Dallas Cowboys stud TE Jake Ferguson came into this week as one of the top TEs in the league this season. He'd been at double digit fantasy points for the past 6 weeks and then dropped a big, fat, goose egg on fantasy owners last week. A side note: its genuinely disgusting that Jonathan Tayor isn't getting real love for a shot at NFL MVP. He'll win OPOY, which is basically MVP for guys not at QB, but he's having a stupid good year. Another 30 burger from JTTD. Joe Buck Yourself didn't get any crazy big individual games, but every player on his team had solid performances. Chase Brown came from the top rope with 24 points in a breakout game, even though the Bengals lost to NYJ. Even the guys that were just OK like Juaun Jennings and Tyler Warren did enough to not fall flat on their faces.

The Salty Spitoon(10-6) 114.08 - Pack Attack(6-10) 104.42

The story of the week was Cam Skattebo's ugly ankle injury. He ended up with an extra joint in addition to his future speaking like Sylvester Stallone. But in all seriousness, Cam seems to be genuinely liked by everyone he interacts with. It'll be interesting to see how his career goes when he comes back next season. Harold Fannin and Troy Franklin stepped up for their fallen fantasy teammate, with 15 and 24 points, respectively. On the flip side, Pack Attack got a huge game out of James Cook(216 and 2 TDs) and Rashee Rice has been the focus of the offense for Kansas City since coming back, he had 21 fantasy points last week. There was the bold move of starting Trey McBride on a bye week, which did not pay off for Pack Attack.

The Bearded Clams(6-10) 110.62 - Big Nix Energy(10-6) 104.46

This was a matchup of endurance and fantasy fortitude. The Clams had to overcome a middling game from CMC and a spot start from Marcus Mariota. They combined for just 20 points. JK Dobbins continues to be one of the most consistent fantasy scorers in the league, with another solid 13 point performance. The big Clams star was Jaylen Waddle who had 99 yards and a TD in a pretty surprising blowout of the Falcons. Big Nix Energy was let down, simply put, by a limited game from Quinshon Judkins. He left early with a shoulder injury and just 3.2 fantasy points. BNE's collective hands were tied coming into the week, with more byes than an NSYNC karoke night. They did get a huge breakout game out of Tucker Kraft, who is securing his spot as a top tier TE in the league.

Pinche Bendejo(9-7) 112.46 - Muddy Bananas(8-8) 106.26

A slobberknocker of a matchup. Two punch drunk boxers swinging for the fences in a dive bar. Justin Fields bounced back and had a solid fantasy game in the Jets first win of the season in a week that many thought he'd be benched. D'Von Achane didn't light up the yardage, but managed to find paydirt to finish with a 17 point day. Unfortunately for the Commanders and the Bananas Scary Terry seems to have reaggravated his quad injury and is expected to miss at least one week. Pinche Bendejo got another great game from Jalen Hurts. Didn't put up huge yardage, but threw 4 touchdowns. Javonte Williams continues to post huge fantasy scores and Ladd McConkey has been on fire the last 4 weeks after starting so slowly. The real star, though, was Travis Kelce. Mr Swift has somehow had a quiet TE 6 season thusfar, and had nearly 20 fantasy points last week.

Trash Pandas(6-10) 108.38 - Bart Was The Best(9-7) 52.22

There wasn't much positive to take from BWTB's week. Joe Flacco had 24.32 points, and Tet McMillan continues to have a solid rookie season. Beyond that it was bye week(and injury) hell for BWTB. The Pandas were also in a heavy bye week, but a much different story from their starters. Bijian had an awful fantasy game, scoring just 4 points, Bill Croskey-Merritt is starting to look like a 7th rounder but Rome Odunze is the clear WR1 in Chicago and his numbers match that. He's good. The real stars, though, were Cameron Dicker, the New England D/ST and Danny Dimes at QB.

Peeping Thomas(6-10) 164.64 - Cotch11(3-13) 123.68

This was a brutal loss for Cotch11. They had the 4th highest score of the week but ran into a buzzsaw with Peeping Thomas this week. On Cotch's side, Saquon Barkley shushed all the haters up real quick. He had 31 fantasy points and that was in a game he left early due to injury. Tampa Bay's defense beat up on the Saints, finishing with 32 fantasy points, including 5 sacks and 4 turnovers. Peeping Thomas was the benficiary of Breece Hall reminding the world that he's a damn good RB. Hall had 31 fantasy points and even threw for a touchdown. Kimani Vidal had a nice bounceback after a rough week, with 20 fantasy points. The clock is ticking on him though, Omarion Hampton will be back at some point this season. Derrick Henry rounds out the trio of big RB games, finding the endzone twice.

Last week we were trying to find the most catches for a trio of teammates. My quick math had Jim coming out as the victor with 23 catches from Tucker Kraft, Justin Jefferson, and Rashid Shaheed. If I miscounted please let me know! Congrats Jim!

This week we're going to do the Trick or Treat bonus: The team with the largest difference in their final score versus their projected score(plus or minus...no tanking!) takes home the Treat!

And the most coveted weekly award, SEWIFFL Player of the Week goes to.....Peeping Thomas RB Breece Hall. The Jets finally got into the W column and Peeping Thomas logged two huge Ws as well, with a huge credit to Breece Hall who had 32 fantasy points this week.

GRAVEYARDS & GOAL-LINES: Trick-or-Treat Night in SEWIFFL City
All ghosts are real. All waivers are binding. All losses haunt forever.

The moon hangs low over SEWIFFL City, a twisted metropolis stitched together from broken trade offers and shattered preseason hype. Fog slides along streets paved in old draft boards. The wind carries faint whispers:

"Should've started the other guy…"

Jack-o-lanterns flicker with the eerie glow of rejected waiver claims. Every lawn has tombstones with inscriptions like:

"Here lies my season — died in Week 3."

Two trick-or-treaters make their way through this cursed fantasy football town:
• Eli – dressed as a referee, whistle stained with the screams of overturned touchdowns
• Maya – dressed as a commissioner, tiny headset crackling with unseen voices

Thunder cracks. The map in Maya’s hands reads:

SEWIFFL Standings — Door-to-Door Candy Route
Someone… or something… has written in blood-red ink:
"THE LOWER THE RANKING, THE DARKER THE TREAT"

HOUSE #1 — JOE BUCK YOURSELF (12–4)

A mansion rises like a stadium carved into a cliffside. Spotlights slice through the fog. The door opens automatically.

A voice booms from nowhere:
"AND HERE COMES YOUR NUMBER ONE SEED!"

A man stands inside, bathed in white light, holding full-size chocolate bars.

Eli: "Are you… human?"
Man: "My ceiling is limitless. My floor is irrelevant."

He drops king-size bars into their bags.
The lights shut off instantly, and the house disappears into darkness.

HOUSE #2 — POWDERHOUNDMALS (11–5)

A snowstorm rages around a ski lodge that wasn’t there a moment ago. Wind howls like tormented bench players.

They knock. A figure on a snowboard glides past them, whispering:
"You only get candy if you commit."

He tosses them full-size Reese’s, but they land perfectly in their buckets without him looking back.

Maya (shivering): "He never breaks eye contact with his roster."

HOUSE #3 — THE SALTY SPITOON (10–6)

A biker bar reeking of stale beer and shattered waiver claims. The porch light is a flickering skull. Chains drag inside.

A gravelly voice:
"How tough are ya, kid?"

Eli: "I held onto a handcuff running back for seven weeks."

The door creaks.
A muscular figure slides them Sour Patch Kids.

Spitoon: "Life is pain. Candy is pain. Fantasy football is pain."

HOUSE #4 — BIG NIX ENERGY (10–6)

Flashing lights. Smoke machine. A hype video plays on loop.

A door slams open.

Big Nix Energy: "Welcome to destiny."

He gives them KitKats, but he snaps every bar in half first.

Maya: "You break your own candy?"
Big Nix: "Sometimes you have to break things… to feel alive."

Lightning strikes behind him. The door slams shut.

HOUSE #5 — PINCHE BENDEJO (9–7)

Day of the Dead altar. Candles. Photos of fallen first-round picks.

Pinche: "My team will rise. It always rises. Even if others must fall."

He hands them off-brand peanut butter cups, waxy and cold.

Eli: "Is this real chocolate?"
Pinche: "Real is an illusion. Except pain."

The candles snuff out by themselves.

HOUSE #6 — BART WAS THE BEST (9–7)

A front yard covered in motivational posters. Fog rolls out as a projector plays highlights that almost happened.

Bart: "I believe. Even if no one else does."

He gives them fun-size M&Ms… half full.

Maya: "Did you eat some before giving them away?"
Bart: "Sometimes sacrifices must be made."

Thunder rumbles when he says sacrifices.

HOUSE #7 — MUDDY BANANAS (8–8)

Swamp fog. The stench of despair. The porch is sinking into… mud?

Bananas emerges from the fog.

"My strategy is chaos."

He hands them Tootsie Pops, every wrapper smeared with mud.

Eli: "Is that… hygienic?"
Bananas grins. "Nothing in SEWIFFL is hygienic."

HOUSE #8 — PACK ATTACK (6–10)

A house surrounded by sad violin music. Curtains drawn.

Pack Attack cracks the door open.
Droopy eyes. Broken soul.

He silently drops Smarties into their buckets, like a priest offering last rites.

Maya: "You okay?"
Pack Attack whispers:
"I just needed one more touchdown."

The door closes slowly… and locks itself.

HOUSE #9 — TRASH PANDAS (6–10)

Garbage cans shake violently. Claw marks everywhere.

A metal dumpster lid slams open.
Two gleaming raccoon eyes peer out.

"PICK A HAND. CHOOSE YOUR FATE."

Eli hesitates.

Trash Pandas hurls loose Skittles at them.
Some stick to Eli's costume.

Maya: "These are… warm."
Trash Pandas: "So was the rage that fueled them."

The dumpster lid slams shut with a metallic scream.

HOUSE #10 — THE BEARDED CLAMS (6–10)

The yard smells like saltwater and defeat. A lighthouse beacon sweeps past them.

Clams emerges wearing a captain's coat.

"You've come seeking treasure."

He places Werther’s Originals into their buckets with reverence.

Eli: "These are… old person candies."
Clams sighs. "As are my dreams."

Waves crash, though there is no ocean nearby.

HOUSE #11 — PEEPING THOMAS (6–10)

A house with every window covered… except one. A single eye watches.

They knock. Silence.

Then a robotic arm pushes out raisins.

Raisins. In 2025. On Halloween.

Maya: "I'd rather starve."
Thomas whispers from somewhere inside:
"We all do here."

HOUSE #12 — COTCH11 (3–13)

The streetlights dim. Dead leaves circle them.

The house leans like it wants to collapse. A porch swing creaks, though the air is still.

Cotch11 opens the door slowly.
His eyes are hollow. His voice is a whisper.

"I have nothing left to give."

He drops a single unwrapped peppermint into their bucket.

It is sticky. The wrapper is nowhere in sight.

Eli: "This came from your pocket, didn’t it?"
Cotch11: "Waiver budget vanished. Hope vanished. Candy… optional."

The porch light burns out. The house becomes part of the darkness.

The children walk toward the center of SEWIFFL City.
Behind them, the houses disappear one by one into fog.

Maya: "Is fantasy football supposed to feel this terrifying?"
Eli: "Only when it matters."

A massive scoreboard ignites above them in blood-red letters:

WELCOME TO WEEK 8
SEWIFFL DOES NOT FORGIVE.
SEWIFFL REMEMBERS.

Somewhere, a raccoon screams.

Fade to black.

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