Week 12

Gents, its official. We're speeding towards winter like a semi-truck that lost its brakes. The weather outside is getting nasty. Injuries are piling up and we're starting to paint a playoff picture. Grab your snow brush, turn the heat on, and watch out for deer...its time for the Write Up.

Joe Buck Yourself(18-4) 118.78 - Cotch11(3-19) 69.52

This was a bit of David vs Goliath from the jump. Joe Buck Yourself is having a near-dream season while Cotch11 is living a nightmare. Josh Allen is the beginning and end of the true highlight games for the entire league this week. He was the only player in the entire SEWIFFL that had above 34 points this week and he did so in a big way. 6 total touchdowns and just under 43 fantasy points! The icing on the cake came from Ken Walker with 18.6 and Chase Brown with 15.7 points. JaMarr Chase did act like an absolute child and spit on an opponent and earned himself a suspension for next week. Cotch's rough year continued, Saquon continues to be a low end RB1 for the season, AJ Brown got somewhat sarcastic cheers after his first catch and Chuba Hubbard continues to be forced into a RB2 role on his own team.

Bart Was The Best(14-8) 97.1 - Big Nix Energy(10-12) 85.44

This was a bar alley brawl of a fantasy match. Nico Collins was the highlight for the losing side, putting up just shy of 20 points on excellent efficiency. Just Jefferson scored under 9 points catching footballs thrown by Nine. Quinshon Judkins under performed in a game that had fantasy owners licking their lips. Part of that problem may have been the Ravens selling out to stop the run when Shedur Sanders was under center. To Big Nix Energy's credit, they did well with recent pickups to try and fight off the injury infection they currently have. BWTB was better, but not much better. Drake London continued his excellent form, but picked up an injury. Christian Watson was a fantastic start, finishing with 2 excellent TDs.

The Salty Spitoon(13-9) 113.20 - Muddy Bananas(11-11) 79.80

Bo Nix has had a rough couple of weeks. His team continues to win, but he's only been ok. That said he's still playing better than Nine. Nine, ironically, is also the number of the next pick McCarthy throws. I learned this week its spelled De'Von not D'Von, but regardless how I spelled it for the past two years, Achane had a great week. 120 yards plus another 45 through the air. Davante Adams had another fun line, 1 catch for 1 yard and 1 TD. There were no huge standout performances for The Salty Spitoon, but solid games from Jahmyr Gibbs, Stefon Diggs, CeeDee Lamb and Jake Myers(all over 14 points) was enough for a comfortable win for the Spitoon. Always tough to look at a bench and see a performance like Sean Tucker's sitting there, 33 unused points from the Tampa Bay RB.

Powderhoundmals(13-9) 112.96 - Pinche Bendejo(10-12) 99.50

Travis Kelce, despite being noticeably slower, continues to put together an excellent season. The current TE #2 had 9 for 91 and a TD in a loss. Rico Dowdle was underwhelming against a stout Atlanta defense, finishing with just 45 rushing yards(although he had 55 through the air), Javonte Williams had a good game but couldn't find the endzone to turn it into a great game. Ladd McConkey(and all of the Chargers) was bad, just 13 yards on 3 catches in a blowout loss to Jacksonville. The Powderhoundmals played an optimal lineup, although there was only one decision to make: Quarterback. Jordan Love had a good game that would've been better if his WRs didn't drop 4-5 passes. George Pickens was the real star, 9 catches for 144 yards and a TD. Greg Dortch was an excellent spot start, finishing with 15.6 points in Marvin Harrison's absence.

Trash Pandas(12-10) 152.56 - Peeping Thomas(8-14) 111.54

If Trash Pandas manages to win the Superb Owl championship this year it'll be on the backs of his 4 pack of RBs. The standouts this week were Bijian Robinson and TreVeyon Henderson who had 28.3 and 29.8 points this week. What Travis Etienne has done the last 3 weeks on roughly 50% of his team's offensive plays is pretty incredible. Kyren Williams continues to be the bellcow for the Rams and his fantasy numbers are the benefit. 4 top 20 RBs spells danger for the rest of the league. Peeping Thomas was on the wrong side of the Chargers-Jags blowout. Kimani Vidal had just 7 touches, Derrick Henry finally looked like King Henry against a stout Cleveland defense and George Kittle was excellent against the Cardinals. But it wasn't enough to overcome the big boom games from Trash Pandas.

The Bearded Clams(11-11) 113.86 - Pack Attack(9-13) 107.12

The quarterbacks in this match decided to have a mid-off. A total of less than 10 points between the two of them. Yuck. James Cook had nearly 20 points with a big game through the air, Amon-Ra St. Brown finished with just 2 catches on 12 targets, which was enough to balance out great games from Trey McBride, Deebo Samuel and Baltimore's D/ST and Tyler Loop. For the Clams the star was the Pittsbugh D/ST. They were huge against the Bengals, finishing with 24 points. Mark Andrews had a fun rushing TD on a fake tush push. Josh Jacobs picked up a knee injury, which could be devastating for the Packers and for the Clams playoff chances. Christian McCaffrey was the other star of the game, but we've come to expect 33 point games from him at this point.

SEWIFFL Playoff Picture

We've got some movement in the playoff picture. Mathematically Joe Buck Yourself has secured a playoff bid, they're up to 18 wins and there's just 3 teams that can possible reach more than 18 wins at this point. Cotch has been eliminated from the playoffs as well. If they win out they'd be 9-19, but there's already 9 other teams with 10+ wins, so Cotch is out!

The other teams are broken up into 3 groups: Strong Playoff Contenders, True Bubble Teams, and the Long Shots.

Strong Playoff Contenders: Bart Was The Best(95%), The Salty Spitoon(80%), Powderhoundmals(80%), Trash Pandas(70%).
True Bubble Teams: Muddy Bananas(50%), The Bearded Clams(50%), Pinche Bendejo(35%), Big Nix Energy(35%)
Long Shots: Pack Attack(15%), Peeping Thomas(5%)

My assistant says the projected cutoff for 6th place is likely around 14.5 wins. So aim for 15+ and feel good about your chances!

Bonus and POTW

Last week we were playing the High/Low bonus...and it turns out we just needed high. Andy and Josh Allen dominated this bonus, 43.98 points between Josh Allen and Davonta Smith.

And we'll keep that theme running with the Week 11 SEWIFFL Player of the Week. A dominant performance leads to an easy decision for this week's award. Joe Buck Yourself QB Josh Allen is the SEWIFFL Player of the Week. he finished with 317 yards passing, 40 yards rushing and 6 total TDs. Fantastic performance.

This week let's slow things down and keep everyone involved. The team that loses by the largest margin takes home the sad bonus this week. Don't go throwing for this one either, your dignity is worth slightly more than $5.

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE SEWIFFL DEBATE

House of Commons, SEWIFFL Parliamentary Session
The year is 2025. The stakes are high. The wigs are powdered. The monocles are tightened.

SPEAKER:
The Right Honourable Members may now commence their debate on SEWIFFL’s season.
The chair recognizes Sir Archibald Featherstonehaugh IV.

SIR ARCHIBALD FEATHERSTONEHAUGH IV:

My esteemed colleague, Lord Percival, I rise today to address a matter of monumental importance:
Joe Buck Yourself has been terrorizing this league like a Victorian landlord who’s discovered rent is late.

Eighteen wins! Eighteen!
Frankly, Percival, this level of dominance ought to be illegal under the League’s Competition Fairness Act of 1834.

LORD PERCIVAL THROCKMORTON-SMYTHE:

Illegal? My dear Archibald, the man is not illegal — he is inevitable.
Joe Buck Yourself marches through SEWIFFL like Wellington at Waterloo, save for the occasional mishap involving Ja’Marr Chase and a defensive scheme crafted by lunatics.

But let me pivot, if I may, to a more heartwarming tale:
Powderhoundmals, that plucky band of winter-sports enthusiasts, is scraping together what might — might! — be their first playoff berth in the modern era.
It’s rather like watching a penguin climb a staircase. One knows it shouldn’t be possible, and yet… there it goes.

SIR ARCHIBALD:

A penguin climbing a staircase, you say?
Then what, pray tell, is The Salty Spitoon?
A walrus attempting ballet?

This team, which runs the league, has historically transformed playoff appearances into face-first landings upon a hardwood floor.
But this year — 13 wins! A glimmer of competence!
One can only hope they avoid yet another postseason pratfall.

LORD PERCIVAL:

Speaking of pratfalls, let us discuss Bart Was The Best.
The man is chasing a second championship, his first as a sole proprietor of managerial malpractice.

Fourteen wins thus far.
Self-belief soaring.
Roster humming.

And yet, I have seen enough SEWIFFL finals to know that such hubris invites disaster.
One poorly-timed ankle sprain, and Bart will be as relevant as the East India Company.

SIR ARCHIBALD:

Ah, but disaster brings forth heroes, Percival.
Consider the Trash Pandas.

Recovering from a dreadful start — the sort of 2-week meltdown normally reserved for collapsing bridges — the Pandas now sit at a proud 12–10, poised for a playoff position and potentially a back-to-back title.

Their dumpster may be flaming, but by God, it’s their flaming dumpster.

LORD PERCIVAL:

A flaming dumpster, yes — but not nearly as revolting as Muddy Bananas, whose very team name sounds like something found in a disreputable tavern’s alleyway.

And yet — somehow — they remain on the brink of the playoffs!
At 11–11, these grotesque potassium abominations are closer to the postseason than any sentient banana ought to be.

One must admire their courage.
Or pity their dietary habits.

SIR ARCHIBALD:

Pity, you say? Then look no further than The Bearded Clams.

A team entirely dependent upon Christian McCaffrey and… somehow thriving?
It defies medical science, natural science, and at least three biblical principles.

If McCaffrey sneezes, the Clams’ entire season collapses like a poorly made soufflé.

LORD PERCIVAL:

While on the subject of unlikely contenders, I must mention Pinche Bendejo, the tallest manager in the league — a man so towering he must draft from the upper atmosphere.

And yet, miraculously, he sits at 10–12 with genuine playoff aspirations.
His team is tall in spirit, Archibald.
Though not, regrettably, in points scored.

SIR ARCHIBALD:

Speaking of unfortunates, Big Nix Energy has been ravaged by injuries to the point where the roster resembles a historical plaque commemorating fallen soldiers.

And yet — 10–12!
A testament to stubbornness, duct tape, and perhaps witchcraft.

LORD PERCIVAL:

If it's witchcraft you seek, look at Pack Attack and the maddening inconsistency of Lamar Jackson.

The man scores like a demigod one week and like a narcoleptic street magician the next.
Pack Attack sits at 9–13, trapped in a purgatory of perpetual hope and crushing disappointment.

SIR ARCHIBALD:

Disappointment? Please.
The true embodiment of despair is Peeping Thomas, a team named for Brian Thomas Jr., who is having a season so underwhelming it should be preserved in a museum of failed expectations.

Eight wins.
Fourteen losses.
And yet the Peepers persist.

LORD PERCIVAL:

Persist, yes — but fully eliminated is Cotch11, who now serves the critical parliamentary role of The Spoiler.

At 3–19, Cotch11 can ruin several perfectly good playoff dreams, much like a pigeon's well-aimed frolic upon a freshly cleaned statue.

May they embrace chaos.
May they spoil with honor.

SIR ARCHIBALD:

Well said, Percival.
In summary:
One titan rules.
One challenger rises.
Several pretenders brawl for scraps.
And at least one participant exists solely to make the rest miserable.

It is, in short, a perfect SEWIFFL season.

LORD PERCIVAL:

Indeed, Archibald.
Let the final weeks commence!
May fortune smile, may chaos reign, and may Joe Buck Yourself finally lose a godforsaken game.

SPEAKER:
Order!
This chamber will reconvene at the conclusion of Week 12 for additional bickering.

I really don't know how this league has taken off so much in Parliament but I'm here for it. Good luck this week, chaps. Get those FAAB bids in. Strive for the playoffs, play the spoiler, WIN WIN WIN!

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